You Need a New Pair of COMFORTABLE Shoes

Some things are certain in life. You will Live. You will Die. You will pay Taxes, and High heels, no matter how expensive they are will hurt! While this is an easy mantra to understand, walk with me into the metaphor.

Men are like shoes. Yes, that's right. You have your sturdy trainers, your worn-in flip flops, old sneeks with holes, and fancy heels that give you the worst blisters. Well after opening my closet door, I've noticed that I have an abundance of high heels. I have heels that make you looked like hell on wheels, heels that will make you eat your heart out, heels that make you scream and shout in pain after after step you take in them. So what does this mean?

It's obvious that the men that I've been dealing with have been more on the high heel side of things. Instead of having blisters on my feet, I'm having pain in my heart. The thing is, CBE and Jacob, while like heels, make you happy and make you feel fabulous when you put them on, by the end of the night you're just dying to get out of them and wondering what the hell ever possessed you to put these wretched things on your feet in the first place. And like heels, you know that they are going to give you blisters and leave you in pain the next day. So why do I do it? For a multitude of reasons I suppose? I feel great in them for the first hour or so, and by the end I'm sick of them, and that's how I feel about CBE and Jacob. I'm sick of them and their B.S.! I'm sick of feeling great when we hangout in the evening and the next day I wake up feeling blistered and hurt by them! It's obvious that I need to get a new pair of shoes!

After an emergency phone call to my go to girl SP, I asked her if I had legit reasons to be mad at these two boys. First, being that after talking to CBE yesterday, we had a fight because once again, I was left feeling hurt. After 45 minutes of getting no where on the phone with him and his failure to understand that, he tells me he's just going to get off the phone, and leaves me crying. I'm sorry what kind of man are you? Leaving a girl you care about crying? I called today to apologize and wish him well, and he still didn't get back to me. And the next situation is with Jacob, and while I understand he is busy with his life and all, I want to thank him for taking the time to update his status that he was a the baseball game, having a great time and eating chili, while I'm stuck at home sick. I know you got my texts today...you could have at least texted me back and asked how I was feeling, or is that too much to ask from the man who's signature line is, " I'm the type of guy who wants distance in a relationship". After making sure I had legit reasons to be mad, SP gave me the cold harsh truth that I've needed. She said, " Dude, you've been unhappy for 2 years. That's a pretty long time for someone to be unhappy. You need to go out and find someone that really honestly cares enough to want to be with you." Then the tag line came, "You need to find a new pair of comfortable shoes." she said. After we hung up, I proceeded to places signs all around my house, instructing me not to under any circumstance, call either of these men. While I hope my new found sharpie campaign holds up,one thing is for sure, that after my conversation with SP I went online and looked for a new pair of shoes. And what I found was amazing. I've decided that I'm not settling for old, used, hole-y shoes, and it's time to put away the high pumps too. I found a miraculous pair of sexy, wedged, knee high boots. So, while it is true that maybe shoes are a lot easier to find than men, at least now I have a hot pair of comfortable shoes that won't leave my in pain the next day. Who knows maybe I'll find a guy to match!

It's all a matter of perspective

Everyday, all day, I cry. Cry in the morning. Cry in the afternoon. Cry in the evening. Cry in the shower, cry in the elevator, cry while I'm sitting here typing, and it's non-stop and has been going on for sometime now.

My life feels like one giant puddle. I'm still perplexed that my body can even produce tears at this point. The problem is I'm crying over an amalgamation of issues. Yes, I'm aware that everyone has issues, and I'm not an overly sensitive person either. What gives? I'm two tears away from closing up completely, and the stupid thing is this is over something I really wanted. L.O.V.E.


Michelangelo once said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. While I wish could just throw my love life and all my feelings down the largest hill, I'm starting to feel like I'm being tossed down that hill. I suppose life is like this sometimes, and I just happen to be tossed down Mount Everest. Theoretically, when I reach the bottom of this hill, only the important things should be left. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ride this hill all the down to the bottom, and hopefully by then my vision will be clear, and the only important things left will be standing there with me. For now, I'm just going to hold on tight to what I know, and keep the hope that still stirs inside me. It's all a matter of perspective.

L'amor Che Move il Sole e L'altre Stelle

It seems as though I become more lonely these days not having CBE or Jacob around, so I'm thinking that maybe I should be lonely. Maybe this is something that I have to feel, and learn to maneuver around. I need to live with it, sit with it, map it and make it a part of my life. Welcome to the human experience, I think to myself.

But I have realized that I have disappeared into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. I love you, and you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my dog, my dog's money, my fish, my fish's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will even bake you delicious chocolate cake for "just because" reasons. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more.

I always wondered why I did all of this, and after exhausting my brain, I just realized that I did it because I cared. I care about the people in my life. I cared about CBE, and I still do. What breaks my heart right now is that CBE can't even lend me a text message with just saying, "Hey!". Or even a quick phone call. I suppose right now, I just want to be cared about, I just want someone to care about me. It's quite obvious that I never have expected someone to bake me chocolate cake, or buy Christmas presents for my family. I just want someone to realize that maybe I could use a little love, and just come over and scoop me up in their arms and just want to cuddle. Or how about $12.99 flowers, because you knew they would put a smile on my face. Or just even calling me for a change to see how I was doing? I don't think that's asking for much. Or maybe right now just a little love and forgiveness that I'm only human too. That like you, I've made mistakes and aren't perfect. It's all I really want.

I know that my love can move the sun and all the stars, and I'm not asking for that in return. I just feel that right now, I deserve just a little something. Maybe not much, but maybe just the thought of knowing that you cared. And I feel that maybe I too need to pull back and just care about myself right now, until someone comes along that wants too.