It seems as though I become more lonely these days not having CBE or Jacob around, so I'm thinking that maybe I should be lonely. Maybe this is something that I have to feel, and learn to maneuver around. I need to live with it, sit with it, map it and make it a part of my life. Welcome to the human experience, I think to myself.
But I have realized that I have disappeared into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. I love you, and you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my dog, my dog's money, my fish, my fish's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will even bake you delicious chocolate cake for "just because" reasons. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more.
I always wondered why I did all of this, and after exhausting my brain, I just realized that I did it because I cared. I care about the people in my life. I cared about CBE, and I still do. What breaks my heart right now is that CBE can't even lend me a text message with just saying, "Hey!". Or even a quick phone call. I suppose right now, I just want to be cared about, I just want someone to care about me. It's quite obvious that I never have expected someone to bake me chocolate cake, or buy Christmas presents for my family. I just want someone to realize that maybe I could use a little love, and just come over and scoop me up in their arms and just want to cuddle. Or how about $12.99 flowers, because you knew they would put a smile on my face. Or just even calling me for a change to see how I was doing? I don't think that's asking for much. Or maybe right now just a little love and forgiveness that I'm only human too. That like you, I've made mistakes and aren't perfect. It's all I really want.
I know that my love can move the sun and all the stars, and I'm not asking for that in return. I just feel that right now, I deserve just a little something. Maybe not much, but maybe just the thought of knowing that you cared. And I feel that maybe I too need to pull back and just care about myself right now, until someone comes along that wants too.
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