QPQ: More than a Carnival Game

After having a conversation with one of my male friends today, got me thinking about why women always get themselves into situations they hate. But fear not! I have an answer and a solution, well the answer is actually the solution(I know this sounds crazy but bare with me here). Ladies, and well no gentlemen listen up! The magic mysterious answer to solving all your problems, (well most of them) is:

QUID PRO QUO

Translation: This for That, Something for Something, or just a fair return or consideration as I like to think of it. Now before I get into how you can start using QPQ to answer all your problems let me first take you back to my conversation this afternoon.

As I was killing time before my interview, I hopped online to see if I could entertain myself for a few minutes. After looking online and finding no scandalous news about celebs, I turned to ye-old-instant messenger. Hey! is how I started this lovely conversation. We'll call my friend "Mike". Well Mike answered back and after the exchange of "how are you's" we got into talking. He was telling me about how he was moving this weekend and was excited to pick up his keys. I congratulated him on his new move and he asked what my weekend plans were. Of course I asked him in return and he said he had a few dates planned for later in the week. Dates? I inquired. What kind of dates? Seeing as how Mike is a very nice guy,and always chases after the grime of the earth, I had always hoped that he would find a nice girl. So I inquired as to where he found these women. A BAR... What a surprise.. The proverbial male watering-hole have you, and you surely don't need me to tell you, but I will anyway, THAT NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF A BAR. I don't care if your best-friend's sister's cousin found Mr. Right at the local hole in the wall slugging down PBR's and somehow between the drunkenness he manage to revive enough in himself to get her number and they lived happily ever after-NO NOT THE END. Look at the evidence for yourself. Your Best friend's sister's cousin? This person probably doesn't even exist, and if she married the guy in the bar, ask her how happy she is in three years when the only bar he attends on a regular basis are AA meetings.

Anyway back to Mike's situation. Mike informed me that he has a few dates lined up! Great! Now I wanted to inquire where he was going to take them. His answer: A Bar.

Really? A bar? Now stop and think to yourself for a minute. You met in a bar and now he's going to take you back to a bar? Clearly he's either a mega alky, the bartender is his best friend and he can score free drinks all night long, (which makes him cheap), or in the case you prove to be as interesting as a subscription to Home and Garden magazine, then he can always find your replacement standing behind you. Can't spot her? Shes the one in the black shirt also looking for Mr. Right. So, you might be wondering, we're going out for drinks together, there's nothing wrong with that? WRONG, he's actually not taking you out, because if he was interested in taking you out, then he'd want to take you somewhere other than a bar, and actually get to know you, and not have to shout in your ear to ask "Wanna another one?"

Mike and I continued to talk, and he said that he would take her to local music concert the next date, since all the ladies love local bands. Hmm, wrong decision again... If you just met someone you hardly know their name, let alone what kind of music they like. I don't care if you both loved the Lustra cover band that was playing the night you met each other--the point is, you probably didn't discuss your taste in music. And gee, isn't every girl out there dying to go see some band that she doesn't know, like, or even enjoy and has to stand there like a zombie for 2 1/2 hours and pretend that she can make out the words to the Metallica Rob Zombie wannabe. If you ask me I'd rather go to dinner, still have my hearing, and no nightmares instead.

Which brings me to my point. When I asked why Mike just didn't want to take a girl to dinner? This is what he had to say:
Mike:"Dinner is a more than a few dates down the line."
Me: "Like a wine on special reserve?"
Mike: "It's like this. Why would I waste $50.00 bucks on a girl, who I barely even know or like?"
Me: "Well I'm assuming you like her enough to want to go out on an actual date and see her again? Let alone you already put her through a weekend of laryngitis, so she may have earned at least a burger and fries."

After which, the gears in my mind began turning. Is it that, as women, we don't expect a guy to do something for us? You know "just a fair return or consideration?" That after she had spent all night shouting at you, watching you guzzle down PBR after PBR, listening to you tell the same lame story you told to everyone and your mother, and pretending to dig the Lustra cover band, you mean to tell me Mike, that your datee doesn't deserve at least a cheeseburger and some fries? Or are you worried they'll charge you for the ketchup packets too? Now I can think of a bunch of great restaurants to take a girl to for a first date that will have your bill below $30.00, but it's the fact that I know plenty of women who don't think they deserve a consideration, or a QUID PRO QUO.

I know women don't like to talk about it, let alone ask to go on a decent date, but to every inherent relationship there's a quid pro quo-something that's exchanged for something else. Most of the time the QPQ can be obvious, especially in the male world, like when a guy buys a round of drinks, his buddy gets the next one, and it's basically an unspoken system that goes on. Here's the dilemma, women aren't very good at capitalizing on the QPQ. Instead, we give away favors,(such as our number, our time, etc.) and expect little or nothing in return.

So, being able to identify QPQ is an important aspect in building a relationship, and you need to master it. There is obviously something you have that men want, and there is also something you want from them. Every time you give people something they need, a proverbial token is disposed in your account. The trick to this is to always have more tokens in your accounting than you need. The only way you can do this is by interacting with others with generosity of spirit.

The truth is this isn't as manipulative or mercenary as it sounds. We do it all day long without realizing it. For example, I cover for a coworker at a meeting or finish up her work for her, since she has to leave early for doctors appointment. Or your best friend Lisa needs to borrow your fancy blue shirt for a night out on the town with her new guy. Collect a token. If in a few weeks or so, you need some research that your coworker has been working on, or decide that you need the most fabulous pair of sassy strappy black heels that Lisa owns, go ahead and cash that token in girlfriend! Basically, QPQ is verbalized like this: "Remember when I loaned you my dress last month? Well, I have a favor to ask.."

When you go out of your way for a guy, be sure to let him know. A subtle way to do this is to say something like, " It's really great watching you play xbox note the exaggeration), but I was planning on meeting some of my girlfriends out later, why don't I call them and let them know I'll be running late". TOKEN COLLECTED.

And don't make things look too easy. So when the next time he calls and wants to see you, and he suggests his local hole in the wall again, say "I'm happy to hear from you,and I want to see you too, but I'm coming from a client meeting on the other side of town, maybe we could meet halfway at Point XYZ?" He'll get the point that you're dressed too nicely to slum around his joint, and he'll be excited to be your escort. Bonus points if you get him to take you to a lounge you suggest.

Don't underestimate the value of things like supporting him through a hard day, public praise, or even lending a listening ear. This is all very valuable in turns of token collecting, and definitely a commodity.

So, ladies cash in you tokens sparingly, but don't be afraid to use them. If you're getting what you want, save them for a rainy day. Always keep in mind that tokens aren't always a one-to-one, it isn't always immediately following the point of collection, and it doesn't have to be made obvious. But if you spent a wonderful Saturday night at his favorite hole in the wall again watching him practice for the annual PBR-a-thon, then chances are it's time for some QPQ.


This lesson is so important, that I leave you with one last story why. When CBE threw in my face my laundry list of expectations I had, he had hit the nail on the head. Yes, I had expectations, and even though CBE wanted me to lower them or not have them wasn't what it was about(and I so foolishly thought I could pretend not to have to not have them.) It wasn't that I expected him to just take me out to dinner all the time, or that it was all I asked for, in fact, it wasn't about the expectations at all. It wasn't about if the bar was set to high or too low, but moreover, that he was getting lazy and tired of having to try. At the end of the day, was it really about me having expectations or was it that CBE didn't want to give me a fair return or consideration anymore?