Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice

I'm laying in bed at my new apartment, and I'm sobbing. I'm laying on my queen size pillow-top mattress, in my abyss of Italian Cyprus Paisley bedding and I'm sobbing. I've been doing this for some consecutive nights, and-just during all those nights before-I was sobbing. Sobbing so hard, in fact, amongst my newly created great lake of tears, I come to a sudden halt.

Now most halts are either cause by the lack of your tear ducks ability to produce anymore tears, and believe me I had worked mine into overdrive, but this halt felt more like a shock. As if 15000 volts of electric current had been injected into my body and I stopped, frozen. Looking in the mirror, my reflection resembled that of someone going under cryoperservation. Dead, and Cold....

Thinking to myself,I was supposed to want accept his terms. But the appalling thing was that I didn't-as much as I was appalled to be finding out-want any any of these things. I had been attempting to convince myself day after day, what he was doing was normal. All women must feel this way when they are going through the hurdles of a relationship. I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all the evidence to the contrary-such as the many acquaintances, (or strangers for that matter, since I feel strangers give you the best advice because they can assess a problem objectively),that I'd run into and told my story too. Those of which I discovered had been down the same roads before me. Some were telling me how ecstatic they were amidst all the rough patches of their relationship trials and tribulations, he had come back and everything worked out. But for most, it just keep going downhill faster than an Olympian skier on a black diamond.

Knowing that I had friends in these circumstances also bore on my mind. I had friends that would be obsessed with every single wedding detail, and had planned everything down to the last bud vase. I've had friends admit that they've gone wedding dress shopping before their boyfriends have proposed. They wanted to be in relationships, they wanted to be engaged, they wanted to be married, and here I am running away from it all. But they all shared something that I wanted. JOY. Joy radiated from their faces every time they would talk about "the day", and that was the exact joy my own face once radiated when I got my job offer last spring. The day I discovered that I got to keep on the amazing path I was already walking down, was what I wanted to feel. And at this very moment, it was when I decided, that "Until I feel as ecstatic about a relationship, as I felt about staying in the city of my dreams, then I cannot be in one."