After having a conversation with one of my male friends today, got me thinking about why women always get themselves into situations they hate. But fear not! I have an answer and a solution, well the answer is actually the solution(I know this sounds crazy but bare with me here). Ladies, and well no gentlemen listen up! The magic mysterious answer to solving all your problems, (well most of them) is:
QUID PRO QUO
Translation: This for That, Something for Something, or just a fair return or consideration as I like to think of it. Now before I get into how you can start using QPQ to answer all your problems let me first take you back to my conversation this afternoon.
As I was killing time before my interview, I hopped online to see if I could entertain myself for a few minutes. After looking online and finding no scandalous news about celebs, I turned to ye-old-instant messenger. Hey! is how I started this lovely conversation. We'll call my friend "Mike". Well Mike answered back and after the exchange of "how are you's" we got into talking. He was telling me about how he was moving this weekend and was excited to pick up his keys. I congratulated him on his new move and he asked what my weekend plans were. Of course I asked him in return and he said he had a few dates planned for later in the week. Dates? I inquired. What kind of dates? Seeing as how Mike is a very nice guy,and always chases after the grime of the earth, I had always hoped that he would find a nice girl. So I inquired as to where he found these women. A BAR... What a surprise.. The proverbial male watering-hole have you, and you surely don't need me to tell you, but I will anyway, THAT NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF A BAR. I don't care if your best-friend's sister's cousin found Mr. Right at the local hole in the wall slugging down PBR's and somehow between the drunkenness he manage to revive enough in himself to get her number and they lived happily ever after-NO NOT THE END. Look at the evidence for yourself. Your Best friend's sister's cousin? This person probably doesn't even exist, and if she married the guy in the bar, ask her how happy she is in three years when the only bar he attends on a regular basis are AA meetings.
Anyway back to Mike's situation. Mike informed me that he has a few dates lined up! Great! Now I wanted to inquire where he was going to take them. His answer: A Bar.
Really? A bar? Now stop and think to yourself for a minute. You met in a bar and now he's going to take you back to a bar? Clearly he's either a mega alky, the bartender is his best friend and he can score free drinks all night long, (which makes him cheap), or in the case you prove to be as interesting as a subscription to Home and Garden magazine, then he can always find your replacement standing behind you. Can't spot her? Shes the one in the black shirt also looking for Mr. Right. So, you might be wondering, we're going out for drinks together, there's nothing wrong with that? WRONG, he's actually not taking you out, because if he was interested in taking you out, then he'd want to take you somewhere other than a bar, and actually get to know you, and not have to shout in your ear to ask "Wanna another one?"
Mike and I continued to talk, and he said that he would take her to local music concert the next date, since all the ladies love local bands. Hmm, wrong decision again... If you just met someone you hardly know their name, let alone what kind of music they like. I don't care if you both loved the Lustra cover band that was playing the night you met each other--the point is, you probably didn't discuss your taste in music. And gee, isn't every girl out there dying to go see some band that she doesn't know, like, or even enjoy and has to stand there like a zombie for 2 1/2 hours and pretend that she can make out the words to the Metallica Rob Zombie wannabe. If you ask me I'd rather go to dinner, still have my hearing, and no nightmares instead.
Which brings me to my point. When I asked why Mike just didn't want to take a girl to dinner? This is what he had to say:
Mike:"Dinner is a more than a few dates down the line."
Me: "Like a wine on special reserve?"
Mike: "It's like this. Why would I waste $50.00 bucks on a girl, who I barely even know or like?"
Me: "Well I'm assuming you like her enough to want to go out on an actual date and see her again? Let alone you already put her through a weekend of laryngitis, so she may have earned at least a burger and fries."
After which, the gears in my mind began turning. Is it that, as women, we don't expect a guy to do something for us? You know "just a fair return or consideration?" That after she had spent all night shouting at you, watching you guzzle down PBR after PBR, listening to you tell the same lame story you told to everyone and your mother, and pretending to dig the Lustra cover band, you mean to tell me Mike, that your datee doesn't deserve at least a cheeseburger and some fries? Or are you worried they'll charge you for the ketchup packets too? Now I can think of a bunch of great restaurants to take a girl to for a first date that will have your bill below $30.00, but it's the fact that I know plenty of women who don't think they deserve a consideration, or a QUID PRO QUO.
I know women don't like to talk about it, let alone ask to go on a decent date, but to every inherent relationship there's a quid pro quo-something that's exchanged for something else. Most of the time the QPQ can be obvious, especially in the male world, like when a guy buys a round of drinks, his buddy gets the next one, and it's basically an unspoken system that goes on. Here's the dilemma, women aren't very good at capitalizing on the QPQ. Instead, we give away favors,(such as our number, our time, etc.) and expect little or nothing in return.
So, being able to identify QPQ is an important aspect in building a relationship, and you need to master it. There is obviously something you have that men want, and there is also something you want from them. Every time you give people something they need, a proverbial token is disposed in your account. The trick to this is to always have more tokens in your accounting than you need. The only way you can do this is by interacting with others with generosity of spirit.
The truth is this isn't as manipulative or mercenary as it sounds. We do it all day long without realizing it. For example, I cover for a coworker at a meeting or finish up her work for her, since she has to leave early for doctors appointment. Or your best friend Lisa needs to borrow your fancy blue shirt for a night out on the town with her new guy. Collect a token. If in a few weeks or so, you need some research that your coworker has been working on, or decide that you need the most fabulous pair of sassy strappy black heels that Lisa owns, go ahead and cash that token in girlfriend! Basically, QPQ is verbalized like this: "Remember when I loaned you my dress last month? Well, I have a favor to ask.."
When you go out of your way for a guy, be sure to let him know. A subtle way to do this is to say something like, " It's really great watching you play xbox note the exaggeration), but I was planning on meeting some of my girlfriends out later, why don't I call them and let them know I'll be running late". TOKEN COLLECTED.
And don't make things look too easy. So when the next time he calls and wants to see you, and he suggests his local hole in the wall again, say "I'm happy to hear from you,and I want to see you too, but I'm coming from a client meeting on the other side of town, maybe we could meet halfway at Point XYZ?" He'll get the point that you're dressed too nicely to slum around his joint, and he'll be excited to be your escort. Bonus points if you get him to take you to a lounge you suggest.
Don't underestimate the value of things like supporting him through a hard day, public praise, or even lending a listening ear. This is all very valuable in turns of token collecting, and definitely a commodity.
So, ladies cash in you tokens sparingly, but don't be afraid to use them. If you're getting what you want, save them for a rainy day. Always keep in mind that tokens aren't always a one-to-one, it isn't always immediately following the point of collection, and it doesn't have to be made obvious. But if you spent a wonderful Saturday night at his favorite hole in the wall again watching him practice for the annual PBR-a-thon, then chances are it's time for some QPQ.
This lesson is so important, that I leave you with one last story why. When CBE threw in my face my laundry list of expectations I had, he had hit the nail on the head. Yes, I had expectations, and even though CBE wanted me to lower them or not have them wasn't what it was about(and I so foolishly thought I could pretend not to have to not have them.) It wasn't that I expected him to just take me out to dinner all the time, or that it was all I asked for, in fact, it wasn't about the expectations at all. It wasn't about if the bar was set to high or too low, but moreover, that he was getting lazy and tired of having to try. At the end of the day, was it really about me having expectations or was it that CBE didn't want to give me a fair return or consideration anymore?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
$50,000 Less of (one in) a Million
In continuation of the tale, comes what I feel is the most crucial part of the story.
Meet Jacob.
Months had passed and I still continued to try to figure where my relationship stood. That was until that day in October. There was Jacob. He was tall and completely the opposite of my china blue eyed bow. He was slender, and had a commanding sense. He came into the room and sat a few chairs down from me. Wearing an outfit that would not be revered by blue eyes seem somewhat refreshing to me. Though he didn't talk to me. I tried to talk to Jacob, but he was obviously highly sought after and couldn't find a moment to chat. That was until the next meeting. China eyes and I were still fighting and nothing was getting better.
After the following meeting Jacob started talking to me outside of the room. One of his friends came up, and as I began to walk away thinking that this guy was one giant network-a-holic, and knew everyone and their mother, He asked me to wait. We walked for about 500 feet and him and I ping ponged conversation, until he said he was hungry and wanted to get dinner before his class, and asked if I wanted to come.
I agreed, and we headed towards the grille and got seats at the bar and started talking. Turns out we both were interested in many of the same things, things that china blue eyes didn't really care about. Well time flew and I remembered he had class. He decided to skip class just to hang out with me, and we walked back to campus to return his library book later, after him catching me before I fell completely in the puddle.
Out of all the complications and traumas of the ugly months leading up to Jacob and I meeting were only going to be tripled by the drama of Jacob-the guy who I managed to fall in love with as I was on my way out of a previous relationship. Did I say fall in love? What I meant to say was I fell out of one relationship and into Jacobs arms(literally),which would eventually bring China Blue Eyes back to me, which would be the reason CBE would resent me and leave me. I guess one could say that I felt like a circus performer-- the diver that dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, in which everything vanishes completely. I clung to Jacob for an escape from CBE, as if Jacob was the last life boat to leave the Titanic. I inflicted upon him every hope for my salvation and happiness. And I did manage to fall in love with Jacob. The only word I could think of to describe my love for Jacob was "desperate". I was desperate for love, to be loved, and that's was I was lacking.
Jacob and I began to spend a lot of time together--days, weekends, and months. Jacob made me laugh, showed me new things, and showed me an overall good time. Though I still could not stop thinking about CBE. CBE and I would talk on the phone occasionally and he would usually say something negative to me, and end up making me cry, and thus, scoring me a tear fest from 11pm till 4:30am. Though in desperate love, it's always like this-We always invent the character of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place. And this is exactly what I did to Jacob. I pushed and pushed for our relationship, always asking what he thought of us and if he saw a future of us being together, because it was after all what I had wanted and waited for from CBE.
But Jacob and I had a great time in those early months, and he seemed genuinely interested me. He was my romantic hero, and I was still living his dream. It was excitement and compatibility like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language to describe things, we went on walks, stayed up to watch sock puppets, the galaxy collide (even though nothing happened), we ate ice cream and just talked. We talked a lot. We set goals, made promises and dinner together. We gave each other the same nicknames. Jacob had held my heart together when it was torn from CBE. He was there when CBE wasn't and while I was happy with Jacob, my only wish was that it would be CBE here with me, making these memories with me, not Jacob.
Those first months of falling in love with Jacob, also meant that he got caught in the cross fire of fighting. I would fight with Jacob about things I wanted from CBE, except he did not even know CBE existed. Only until months later, ultimatums made, CBE called me and asked me to come over to his place, because had he something to tell me. I asked what it was about, and if we could discuss it over the phone, and he said no.
CBE had found out that Jacob and I were headed on the relationship track and I don't know whether it was a combination of me falling in love with some other man, or that CBE finally woke up and realized how much I meant to him, either way as I sat in his apartment, he grabbed my hands and looked at me with those china blue eyes, and asked me the $50,000 question I wanted for so long. "I want you as my girlfriend, Will you be my girlfriend?".
Meet Jacob.
Months had passed and I still continued to try to figure where my relationship stood. That was until that day in October. There was Jacob. He was tall and completely the opposite of my china blue eyed bow. He was slender, and had a commanding sense. He came into the room and sat a few chairs down from me. Wearing an outfit that would not be revered by blue eyes seem somewhat refreshing to me. Though he didn't talk to me. I tried to talk to Jacob, but he was obviously highly sought after and couldn't find a moment to chat. That was until the next meeting. China eyes and I were still fighting and nothing was getting better.
After the following meeting Jacob started talking to me outside of the room. One of his friends came up, and as I began to walk away thinking that this guy was one giant network-a-holic, and knew everyone and their mother, He asked me to wait. We walked for about 500 feet and him and I ping ponged conversation, until he said he was hungry and wanted to get dinner before his class, and asked if I wanted to come.
I agreed, and we headed towards the grille and got seats at the bar and started talking. Turns out we both were interested in many of the same things, things that china blue eyes didn't really care about. Well time flew and I remembered he had class. He decided to skip class just to hang out with me, and we walked back to campus to return his library book later, after him catching me before I fell completely in the puddle.
Out of all the complications and traumas of the ugly months leading up to Jacob and I meeting were only going to be tripled by the drama of Jacob-the guy who I managed to fall in love with as I was on my way out of a previous relationship. Did I say fall in love? What I meant to say was I fell out of one relationship and into Jacobs arms(literally),which would eventually bring China Blue Eyes back to me, which would be the reason CBE would resent me and leave me. I guess one could say that I felt like a circus performer-- the diver that dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, in which everything vanishes completely. I clung to Jacob for an escape from CBE, as if Jacob was the last life boat to leave the Titanic. I inflicted upon him every hope for my salvation and happiness. And I did manage to fall in love with Jacob. The only word I could think of to describe my love for Jacob was "desperate". I was desperate for love, to be loved, and that's was I was lacking.
Jacob and I began to spend a lot of time together--days, weekends, and months. Jacob made me laugh, showed me new things, and showed me an overall good time. Though I still could not stop thinking about CBE. CBE and I would talk on the phone occasionally and he would usually say something negative to me, and end up making me cry, and thus, scoring me a tear fest from 11pm till 4:30am. Though in desperate love, it's always like this-We always invent the character of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place. And this is exactly what I did to Jacob. I pushed and pushed for our relationship, always asking what he thought of us and if he saw a future of us being together, because it was after all what I had wanted and waited for from CBE.
But Jacob and I had a great time in those early months, and he seemed genuinely interested me. He was my romantic hero, and I was still living his dream. It was excitement and compatibility like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language to describe things, we went on walks, stayed up to watch sock puppets, the galaxy collide (even though nothing happened), we ate ice cream and just talked. We talked a lot. We set goals, made promises and dinner together. We gave each other the same nicknames. Jacob had held my heart together when it was torn from CBE. He was there when CBE wasn't and while I was happy with Jacob, my only wish was that it would be CBE here with me, making these memories with me, not Jacob.
Those first months of falling in love with Jacob, also meant that he got caught in the cross fire of fighting. I would fight with Jacob about things I wanted from CBE, except he did not even know CBE existed. Only until months later, ultimatums made, CBE called me and asked me to come over to his place, because had he something to tell me. I asked what it was about, and if we could discuss it over the phone, and he said no.
CBE had found out that Jacob and I were headed on the relationship track and I don't know whether it was a combination of me falling in love with some other man, or that CBE finally woke up and realized how much I meant to him, either way as I sat in his apartment, he grabbed my hands and looked at me with those china blue eyes, and asked me the $50,000 question I wanted for so long. "I want you as my girlfriend, Will you be my girlfriend?".
Not Everyone Reads the Rules of the Road Manual Before a Road Test
So here are some guidelines I've come across, and not by scorned women.. but everyday advice that we should all take with reason. I'll be sure to keep these all in my mind the next time around. Until then, maybe they can help you!
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Lather, Rinse, Repeat
First, let me say there is a long...long....long..... story behind all of this. I want to let all of you in on this, since it will help my readers understand. Almost 2 years ago I met a guy. Forgive my fairytale nostalgia, but this seems quite romantic and it blooms better than one of Bell's roses from Beauty and the Beast.
Let me take you back two years ago.
I stood in my room thinking of what to wear. I was going to pick up books from the bookstore, and I couldn't decide what to wear. I looked great, felt fabulous, and ready to embark on something new. There I stood in front of my mirror trying to figure out what else to do with myself. There’s only so many times you can brush your hair, line your eyes, and swipe lip gloss across your lips before you realize that one more swipe will put you in competition with a Vegas showgirl. I walked over to my closet, or what resembled a closet, more or less a wood lined hole in the wall that was three-feet wide and four-feet tall. There stuffed inside was my wardrobe. I flipped threw the clothes hanging on the hangers trying to find the perfect shirt to pair with my boot cut Hollister jeans. A week before school was always the hardest when trying to pick out what to wear. No one wants to waste an outfit on a 20 minute trip to the bookstore, but then again you never know who you are going to meet on your way there. I finally decided on my red express shirt. It had some crazy design on it, almost resembled a burn out Declaration of Independence on it, but I remembered reading somewhere in Cosmo, that men were attracted to the color red. What could it hurt?
I threw on my shoes, and headed out to what would seem to be an average trip to the bookstore, that is until I met him. As I descended down the staircase, he stood in front of me. I looked at his china blue eyes through my aviator sunglasses thinking how I was going to talk to to this guy. A thousand things went through my mind like, I hope my hair looks good, he's really cute, to what do I say? I hope I don't fall, are my jeans zipped. But luckily on the seven stairs down I managed to pull it together.
I was finally standing behind him. He looked at me and I looked back, and that when I said "I hate standing in lines don't you?" He immediately agreed and that's when we hit it off. He introduced himself to me, told me he was new, a grad student, and that he just relocated to the area. It was great. He dressed nice, spoke eloquently, and seemed interesting and interested in what I had to say. We finally approached the window and he picked up his books, tore off a slip of paper and handed me his number and said "Hopefully we can talk soon. Call me". He walked away and disappeared. Now I still wonder why exactly he ended our conversation, for all I knew it could have gone on for hours, but that's not important. Point is, we had great conversation, he wasn't in a bar and it was just pleasant.
I called him a day and a half later to see how he was doing. We ended up making a date for that Friday, and had dinner and it started from there.
As the story progresses, we went on a lot of dinner dates. He took me to places I had never been in the 4 years I had lived in the city, and it seemed like a sure bet. He liked me, was into me, and we just had such an amazing time together. Now, I do believe the honeymoon stage exists, for the fact that after 6months, that's when the fights start, people get moody, and you start becoming bothered by the once "cute habits". I also believe after dating someone for six months you know whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them. Well this is when it got challenging.
There's no way to have "the talk" but sooner or later you have too. I've read a multitude of ways to bring it up, or even specific words or phrases to avoid, or even to just embed a note in a steak(thanks Cosmo for the advice), but I felt that him and I were on the same wave length that we could virtually talk about anything. I mean if we can spend two hours on the phone talking many days of the week we could surely be adults about it. So one night after one of our really great dinner dates, I asked, "Do you think you would want to be in a relationship with me?" Me expecting that our ending would end with him asking me, and that fireworks would shoot up in the air and how I could tell this fabulous story was suddenly sucked away by his silence. He told me that he didn't know.
HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW? I pride myself on being different than most girls, and I have many a guy friend that wish their girlfriends could be more like me so what was wrong? Why after us having such a great time together was he so hesitant? It surely couldn't be me? I never said anything or did anything that would make him not like me, but he explained that he needed more time, and that he honestly didn't know. Let down, I accepted his "honest" answer (only later finding out he was just prolonging the inevitable), and continued to date him.
Several dates and months later he still didn't have an answer for me. Well he did have an answer or should I say an excuse. This time I was "too alpha" for him. I couldn't understand. He always told me how awesome it was that I spoke my mind, and admired me for who I was, but now my personality was being used against me? I've heard of not dating someone because poor hygiene, disrespectfulness, or rudeness, but I was being punished for my go getter attitude? It seemed weird, and when I asked him to explain , he had no explanation. He would tell me he couldn't explain it but it was something that bothered him and apparently would bother him in a relationship. So I assumed that maybe he just wanted to date a beta...but all his other ex's had been far from beta's, so what was the deal.
So the year came to the end, and we had gotten no where except gone on more dinner dates, watched movies, and still had a good time. I had tried to reform my "alphaness" and reign it in a little, in hopes of changing his mind. Well we sat down on our last night, and I asked him if the summer would tear us a part. Me thinking about the future and hoping he would tell me that he wanted to continue down our great path was shrouded by his cold hearted remark " If we get closer that's great,if we grow a part then we grow a part". That's a great way to screw with someones emotions, even greater for a girl. Now I have a definite hold on my emotions, but this didn't seem right. How could someone say this to me?
So the summer starts and like most people that means working out. Well I hit it into overdrive, because I was getting a little tired of him talking about how he dated a model. (In which case, for the sake of not sounding catty I have seen his "model" and she is no Heidi Klum. I'll give her that she was thin, but she had a butt that you could sit a cup on, or a breakfast try for that matter), I don't know many models that have big butts, big enough that would earn them a cameo on the sir-mix-alot baby got back video. But to each their own. I should remark too, that I have an extraordinarily flat butt, and thanks to the genetics of my mother, I can wear any type of jeans. :)
Long story short, most guys are obsessed with girl's behinds, or legs, or their chest. Well my guy had a love for abs. The one thing I don't have. So I embarked on a exercise regime that landed me 3 months later, 35 pounds lost, and a hot bod. When I came back I turned heads, people suddenly wanted to "talk" to me. I knew I looked good, and I figured if I looked this good, he wouldn't be able to resist me. Well guess again. I showed up in a hot dress and heels to his apartment for our date, and not one compliment. Well he did give me a compliment that he thought " I would be hotter" and that apparently "I had hyped myself up". Let's get one thing straight. I LOOKED DAMN GOOD! But he didn't think so. So that night after the owner of the restaurant kept walking by my table staring at me, meant next to nothing to the one guy I wanted to be with left me wondering what was up.
More months had passed, I got hotter, he took me out, and still no sign of commitment. He wasn't seeing anyone else and I just didn't understand. That is until the night he came out with it. After much tension and mini tiffs, he finally told me that he didn't want to date me and said that I should see other people. I was hurt and even more devastated. I had grown to love someone, care for them, and all he could tell me was that " he thought I should find someone else?" Like he was doing me a favor? I didn't want to find anyone else. I didn't understand why we wouldn't work. I lost close to 40 pounds, and things were going great. Why wouldn't anyone in their right mind not want to be with me. All I know it that I cried enough tears to probably add to the already rising sea level in the ocean, and we continued to hang out still. I thought that maybe he would change his mind, but I remembered reading in "He's just not that into you", that the only time you can change a man is when he's in diapers. Well that time had long passed him 26 years ago, and now I was stuck cleaning up the aftermath.
Fight, Fight, cry, cry. Repeat is what I lived through for four more months, but somehow I just couldn't move on. I never did.
Let me take you back two years ago.
I stood in my room thinking of what to wear. I was going to pick up books from the bookstore, and I couldn't decide what to wear. I looked great, felt fabulous, and ready to embark on something new. There I stood in front of my mirror trying to figure out what else to do with myself. There’s only so many times you can brush your hair, line your eyes, and swipe lip gloss across your lips before you realize that one more swipe will put you in competition with a Vegas showgirl. I walked over to my closet, or what resembled a closet, more or less a wood lined hole in the wall that was three-feet wide and four-feet tall. There stuffed inside was my wardrobe. I flipped threw the clothes hanging on the hangers trying to find the perfect shirt to pair with my boot cut Hollister jeans. A week before school was always the hardest when trying to pick out what to wear. No one wants to waste an outfit on a 20 minute trip to the bookstore, but then again you never know who you are going to meet on your way there. I finally decided on my red express shirt. It had some crazy design on it, almost resembled a burn out Declaration of Independence on it, but I remembered reading somewhere in Cosmo, that men were attracted to the color red. What could it hurt?
I threw on my shoes, and headed out to what would seem to be an average trip to the bookstore, that is until I met him. As I descended down the staircase, he stood in front of me. I looked at his china blue eyes through my aviator sunglasses thinking how I was going to talk to to this guy. A thousand things went through my mind like, I hope my hair looks good, he's really cute, to what do I say? I hope I don't fall, are my jeans zipped. But luckily on the seven stairs down I managed to pull it together.
I was finally standing behind him. He looked at me and I looked back, and that when I said "I hate standing in lines don't you?" He immediately agreed and that's when we hit it off. He introduced himself to me, told me he was new, a grad student, and that he just relocated to the area. It was great. He dressed nice, spoke eloquently, and seemed interesting and interested in what I had to say. We finally approached the window and he picked up his books, tore off a slip of paper and handed me his number and said "Hopefully we can talk soon. Call me". He walked away and disappeared. Now I still wonder why exactly he ended our conversation, for all I knew it could have gone on for hours, but that's not important. Point is, we had great conversation, he wasn't in a bar and it was just pleasant.
I called him a day and a half later to see how he was doing. We ended up making a date for that Friday, and had dinner and it started from there.
As the story progresses, we went on a lot of dinner dates. He took me to places I had never been in the 4 years I had lived in the city, and it seemed like a sure bet. He liked me, was into me, and we just had such an amazing time together. Now, I do believe the honeymoon stage exists, for the fact that after 6months, that's when the fights start, people get moody, and you start becoming bothered by the once "cute habits". I also believe after dating someone for six months you know whether or not you want to be in a relationship with them. Well this is when it got challenging.
There's no way to have "the talk" but sooner or later you have too. I've read a multitude of ways to bring it up, or even specific words or phrases to avoid, or even to just embed a note in a steak(thanks Cosmo for the advice), but I felt that him and I were on the same wave length that we could virtually talk about anything. I mean if we can spend two hours on the phone talking many days of the week we could surely be adults about it. So one night after one of our really great dinner dates, I asked, "Do you think you would want to be in a relationship with me?" Me expecting that our ending would end with him asking me, and that fireworks would shoot up in the air and how I could tell this fabulous story was suddenly sucked away by his silence. He told me that he didn't know.
HOW COULD HE NOT KNOW? I pride myself on being different than most girls, and I have many a guy friend that wish their girlfriends could be more like me so what was wrong? Why after us having such a great time together was he so hesitant? It surely couldn't be me? I never said anything or did anything that would make him not like me, but he explained that he needed more time, and that he honestly didn't know. Let down, I accepted his "honest" answer (only later finding out he was just prolonging the inevitable), and continued to date him.
Several dates and months later he still didn't have an answer for me. Well he did have an answer or should I say an excuse. This time I was "too alpha" for him. I couldn't understand. He always told me how awesome it was that I spoke my mind, and admired me for who I was, but now my personality was being used against me? I've heard of not dating someone because poor hygiene, disrespectfulness, or rudeness, but I was being punished for my go getter attitude? It seemed weird, and when I asked him to explain , he had no explanation. He would tell me he couldn't explain it but it was something that bothered him and apparently would bother him in a relationship. So I assumed that maybe he just wanted to date a beta...but all his other ex's had been far from beta's, so what was the deal.
So the year came to the end, and we had gotten no where except gone on more dinner dates, watched movies, and still had a good time. I had tried to reform my "alphaness" and reign it in a little, in hopes of changing his mind. Well we sat down on our last night, and I asked him if the summer would tear us a part. Me thinking about the future and hoping he would tell me that he wanted to continue down our great path was shrouded by his cold hearted remark " If we get closer that's great,if we grow a part then we grow a part". That's a great way to screw with someones emotions, even greater for a girl. Now I have a definite hold on my emotions, but this didn't seem right. How could someone say this to me?
So the summer starts and like most people that means working out. Well I hit it into overdrive, because I was getting a little tired of him talking about how he dated a model. (In which case, for the sake of not sounding catty I have seen his "model" and she is no Heidi Klum. I'll give her that she was thin, but she had a butt that you could sit a cup on, or a breakfast try for that matter), I don't know many models that have big butts, big enough that would earn them a cameo on the sir-mix-alot baby got back video. But to each their own. I should remark too, that I have an extraordinarily flat butt, and thanks to the genetics of my mother, I can wear any type of jeans. :)
Long story short, most guys are obsessed with girl's behinds, or legs, or their chest. Well my guy had a love for abs. The one thing I don't have. So I embarked on a exercise regime that landed me 3 months later, 35 pounds lost, and a hot bod. When I came back I turned heads, people suddenly wanted to "talk" to me. I knew I looked good, and I figured if I looked this good, he wouldn't be able to resist me. Well guess again. I showed up in a hot dress and heels to his apartment for our date, and not one compliment. Well he did give me a compliment that he thought " I would be hotter" and that apparently "I had hyped myself up". Let's get one thing straight. I LOOKED DAMN GOOD! But he didn't think so. So that night after the owner of the restaurant kept walking by my table staring at me, meant next to nothing to the one guy I wanted to be with left me wondering what was up.
More months had passed, I got hotter, he took me out, and still no sign of commitment. He wasn't seeing anyone else and I just didn't understand. That is until the night he came out with it. After much tension and mini tiffs, he finally told me that he didn't want to date me and said that I should see other people. I was hurt and even more devastated. I had grown to love someone, care for them, and all he could tell me was that " he thought I should find someone else?" Like he was doing me a favor? I didn't want to find anyone else. I didn't understand why we wouldn't work. I lost close to 40 pounds, and things were going great. Why wouldn't anyone in their right mind not want to be with me. All I know it that I cried enough tears to probably add to the already rising sea level in the ocean, and we continued to hang out still. I thought that maybe he would change his mind, but I remembered reading in "He's just not that into you", that the only time you can change a man is when he's in diapers. Well that time had long passed him 26 years ago, and now I was stuck cleaning up the aftermath.
Fight, Fight, cry, cry. Repeat is what I lived through for four more months, but somehow I just couldn't move on. I never did.
Homesick Bound
There's no way of knowing how things are right now, and I truly believe that the saying holds true that things are going to get a lot worse, before they got worse. As I look back on this whole ordeal, I found, grew,loved, and lost-all in the course of 5 months. Granted we've had a history of knowing each other, but strictly speaking 5 months was when it all happened. I don't know when he finally made the decision that he didn't want to date me anymore. I suppose if you hear it from his side, you'll see the signs lit up like the Vegas strip, that it would be impossible to miss. But I must say that I have been to Vegas, and have definitely overlooked aspects, no matter how flashy they are.
This reminds me of a time I overhead a divorce attorney talking on the metro. She said, "If you really want to get to know someone, you have to divorce them". Of course, I've just lost a boyfriend and not a husband, but I would say if you want to stop knowing someone then obviously you break up with them, or in the attorney's case divorce them. Because this is what it feels like. Granted we're not splitting up weekends with the kids, deciding who gets the crystal vase, or the house in Maine, but all the same I think we both managed to shock each other by how swiftly we went from being people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of the most mutually incompressible strangers who ever lived. And the funny thing is we both ended up doing something the other person thought would be impossible in a million years,; him leaving me,and me imagining it would be so difficult to let him go.
This reminds me of a time I overhead a divorce attorney talking on the metro. She said, "If you really want to get to know someone, you have to divorce them". Of course, I've just lost a boyfriend and not a husband, but I would say if you want to stop knowing someone then obviously you break up with them, or in the attorney's case divorce them. Because this is what it feels like. Granted we're not splitting up weekends with the kids, deciding who gets the crystal vase, or the house in Maine, but all the same I think we both managed to shock each other by how swiftly we went from being people who knew each other best in the world to being a pair of the most mutually incompressible strangers who ever lived. And the funny thing is we both ended up doing something the other person thought would be impossible in a million years,; him leaving me,and me imagining it would be so difficult to let him go.
Thrirty-Three Degrees of Me
In the daylight hours, I refuse all my thoughts of him, but at night it consumes me. What a catastrophe I'm in. How can I be apart of this? Why do I feel so overwhelmed with this duty of being the primary person that cared in the relationship, social coordinator, and somewhere amongst my stolen moments, now a writer. How are you supposed to call someone and tell them your distress, if they are the one's causing it? I could try to tell him, but what use would that be? He would only reiterate how exhausted he was from me, and again, "walking on eggshells". We'd been fighting, I'd been crying, and we were wary in that way people are when no one knows what to do. We had become relationship refugees.
This part of my story is not the happiest, I know, but I share it here because something occurred to me on that electro-cryonics shock night that will change my life forever, or the progression hereof. Almost like one of those crazy super events, like when something falls out of space. Though this feels more like a science fact I once remembered after earthquakes occur. If there is an earthquake, and it shifts the crust 33 degrees, the poles will reverse. And so it is with this advice that I've decided: He's caused a quake, and I've shifted. Only this time, the poles are reversed, he will now become me.
This part of my story is not the happiest, I know, but I share it here because something occurred to me on that electro-cryonics shock night that will change my life forever, or the progression hereof. Almost like one of those crazy super events, like when something falls out of space. Though this feels more like a science fact I once remembered after earthquakes occur. If there is an earthquake, and it shifts the crust 33 degrees, the poles will reverse. And so it is with this advice that I've decided: He's caused a quake, and I've shifted. Only this time, the poles are reversed, he will now become me.
Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice
I'm laying in bed at my new apartment, and I'm sobbing. I'm laying on my queen size pillow-top mattress, in my abyss of Italian Cyprus Paisley bedding and I'm sobbing. I've been doing this for some consecutive nights, and-just during all those nights before-I was sobbing. Sobbing so hard, in fact, amongst my newly created great lake of tears, I come to a sudden halt.
Now most halts are either cause by the lack of your tear ducks ability to produce anymore tears, and believe me I had worked mine into overdrive, but this halt felt more like a shock. As if 15000 volts of electric current had been injected into my body and I stopped, frozen. Looking in the mirror, my reflection resembled that of someone going under cryoperservation. Dead, and Cold....
Thinking to myself,I was supposed to want accept his terms. But the appalling thing was that I didn't-as much as I was appalled to be finding out-want any any of these things. I had been attempting to convince myself day after day, what he was doing was normal. All women must feel this way when they are going through the hurdles of a relationship. I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all the evidence to the contrary-such as the many acquaintances, (or strangers for that matter, since I feel strangers give you the best advice because they can assess a problem objectively),that I'd run into and told my story too. Those of which I discovered had been down the same roads before me. Some were telling me how ecstatic they were amidst all the rough patches of their relationship trials and tribulations, he had come back and everything worked out. But for most, it just keep going downhill faster than an Olympian skier on a black diamond.
Knowing that I had friends in these circumstances also bore on my mind. I had friends that would be obsessed with every single wedding detail, and had planned everything down to the last bud vase. I've had friends admit that they've gone wedding dress shopping before their boyfriends have proposed. They wanted to be in relationships, they wanted to be engaged, they wanted to be married, and here I am running away from it all. But they all shared something that I wanted. JOY. Joy radiated from their faces every time they would talk about "the day", and that was the exact joy my own face once radiated when I got my job offer last spring. The day I discovered that I got to keep on the amazing path I was already walking down, was what I wanted to feel. And at this very moment, it was when I decided, that "Until I feel as ecstatic about a relationship, as I felt about staying in the city of my dreams, then I cannot be in one."
Now most halts are either cause by the lack of your tear ducks ability to produce anymore tears, and believe me I had worked mine into overdrive, but this halt felt more like a shock. As if 15000 volts of electric current had been injected into my body and I stopped, frozen. Looking in the mirror, my reflection resembled that of someone going under cryoperservation. Dead, and Cold....
Thinking to myself,I was supposed to want accept his terms. But the appalling thing was that I didn't-as much as I was appalled to be finding out-want any any of these things. I had been attempting to convince myself day after day, what he was doing was normal. All women must feel this way when they are going through the hurdles of a relationship. I was trying to convince myself that my feelings were customary, despite all the evidence to the contrary-such as the many acquaintances, (or strangers for that matter, since I feel strangers give you the best advice because they can assess a problem objectively),that I'd run into and told my story too. Those of which I discovered had been down the same roads before me. Some were telling me how ecstatic they were amidst all the rough patches of their relationship trials and tribulations, he had come back and everything worked out. But for most, it just keep going downhill faster than an Olympian skier on a black diamond.
Knowing that I had friends in these circumstances also bore on my mind. I had friends that would be obsessed with every single wedding detail, and had planned everything down to the last bud vase. I've had friends admit that they've gone wedding dress shopping before their boyfriends have proposed. They wanted to be in relationships, they wanted to be engaged, they wanted to be married, and here I am running away from it all. But they all shared something that I wanted. JOY. Joy radiated from their faces every time they would talk about "the day", and that was the exact joy my own face once radiated when I got my job offer last spring. The day I discovered that I got to keep on the amazing path I was already walking down, was what I wanted to feel. And at this very moment, it was when I decided, that "Until I feel as ecstatic about a relationship, as I felt about staying in the city of my dreams, then I cannot be in one."
Friday, July 9, 2010
...With Less Guile & Fewer Escape Routes
Any way that I tell you my story you won't believe. I can only ask that you read this and disconnect the device in your head that repeats at intervals how I never listen to what you have to say. You may be older than me, but as you always manage to point out, your engine of recall seems to be superior to mine.
Through this fishbowl lens of my so called life, you've always said you been looking for the truth most of the time. Recently, that expression has come to settle on me, and I've felt like Odysseus, albeit with less guile and fewer escape routes. The lens itself embodying the one-eyed cyclops. You're not the monster; my face that's reflected back in the lens is, or I am.
Still, since you won't listen I want to tell you this whole tale as I know it, as scary as that strikes me from my current juncture. However many emails I've sent, the millions of text messages I have logged, I've still managed to hurt you, and not just with our relationship, but with the abundant shouting matches and scorned I love You's.
Just I vanished from you life once, you have managed to do the same. I now find myself occupying those thoughts trying to divulge your psychic mysteries of why you are this way. It's a discomfiting sensation.
You know the true story, in broad outline and have steered clear of speaking it to your friends and parents. Your healthy fence you've built managed to block my public life from your private one. And this is crazy. Strictly crazy, as I've always said.
I would have never thought to go over this footage myself but for you, the one who is showing me my life to me through a new window alters my posture on the planet. not to mention my part I've played with you. I partly see myself through your vantage. I've always been the one that's been concerned, trying to protect you from feelings, trying to be understanding. I was understand. I understood.
It's my testament that I wish to avoid further conflict that I'm telling you plainly this way. The time I spend is mostly thinking of you, those china blue eyes, and embossed smile. That's the story I want to tell: how everything started to fall a part. How my life got increasingly harder, and my actions became impossible. In Odyssean terms, I want to be the hero here, but instead I'm winding up as the monster.But because you were apart of my life I don't want my last stand to be as the monster. I'm hoping that these writings become the agent of my rescue.
It's funny how much you remind me of the Odyssey, and how you can always manage to be blameless. It's what Odysseus wished for his son, Telemachus: to live guilt free. I once was bedazzled how Odysseus boffed witches and fought monsters, and as I ink these words my only wish is that you instead of being blameless, that you look more objectively,-or try to. As I am starting to become a stranger to you in most ways, you become more familiar to yourself. Maybe someday you can loan me some of the shine, and blamelessness you have in your head so I can clear up the leftover darkness in mine. In exonerated by this nightmare of what has become of us. My only hope is to show you that I've come to peace now.
Before you hung up the phone that night, I thought what you were going to tell me was the most dramatic news that I'd heard that night. Expect you added that we're no longer us because of me. I listened to our memories disappear down the stairs and wanted to call you back but thought better of it. Your girlfriend wanted to be with you, and you didn't want to be with her. And something about those china blue eyes drew me back from the immediate sorrow. Instead of me watching a Odysseus sail away on a ship it, it was you that was standing there in my throat-clenching, tear-streaming nostalgia.
You've disembarked now, and I see it every day. Hopefully by telling you my story, you can better tells yours,which is the only way to get us back, by which I mean to get free of us.
Through this fishbowl lens of my so called life, you've always said you been looking for the truth most of the time. Recently, that expression has come to settle on me, and I've felt like Odysseus, albeit with less guile and fewer escape routes. The lens itself embodying the one-eyed cyclops. You're not the monster; my face that's reflected back in the lens is, or I am.
Still, since you won't listen I want to tell you this whole tale as I know it, as scary as that strikes me from my current juncture. However many emails I've sent, the millions of text messages I have logged, I've still managed to hurt you, and not just with our relationship, but with the abundant shouting matches and scorned I love You's.
Just I vanished from you life once, you have managed to do the same. I now find myself occupying those thoughts trying to divulge your psychic mysteries of why you are this way. It's a discomfiting sensation.
You know the true story, in broad outline and have steered clear of speaking it to your friends and parents. Your healthy fence you've built managed to block my public life from your private one. And this is crazy. Strictly crazy, as I've always said.
I would have never thought to go over this footage myself but for you, the one who is showing me my life to me through a new window alters my posture on the planet. not to mention my part I've played with you. I partly see myself through your vantage. I've always been the one that's been concerned, trying to protect you from feelings, trying to be understanding. I was understand. I understood.
It's my testament that I wish to avoid further conflict that I'm telling you plainly this way. The time I spend is mostly thinking of you, those china blue eyes, and embossed smile. That's the story I want to tell: how everything started to fall a part. How my life got increasingly harder, and my actions became impossible. In Odyssean terms, I want to be the hero here, but instead I'm winding up as the monster.But because you were apart of my life I don't want my last stand to be as the monster. I'm hoping that these writings become the agent of my rescue.
It's funny how much you remind me of the Odyssey, and how you can always manage to be blameless. It's what Odysseus wished for his son, Telemachus: to live guilt free. I once was bedazzled how Odysseus boffed witches and fought monsters, and as I ink these words my only wish is that you instead of being blameless, that you look more objectively,-or try to. As I am starting to become a stranger to you in most ways, you become more familiar to yourself. Maybe someday you can loan me some of the shine, and blamelessness you have in your head so I can clear up the leftover darkness in mine. In exonerated by this nightmare of what has become of us. My only hope is to show you that I've come to peace now.
Before you hung up the phone that night, I thought what you were going to tell me was the most dramatic news that I'd heard that night. Expect you added that we're no longer us because of me. I listened to our memories disappear down the stairs and wanted to call you back but thought better of it. Your girlfriend wanted to be with you, and you didn't want to be with her. And something about those china blue eyes drew me back from the immediate sorrow. Instead of me watching a Odysseus sail away on a ship it, it was you that was standing there in my throat-clenching, tear-streaming nostalgia.
You've disembarked now, and I see it every day. Hopefully by telling you my story, you can better tells yours,which is the only way to get us back, by which I mean to get free of us.
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