I'm with Snooki on this one. How hard is it to find a nice guy?
After getting rid of one loser in my life, I feel like all there is available are the following: Men who will exploit and use women, and men who subtract from your life. Where did all the nice guys go? Someone please explain this to me, because I can't seem to figure it out. What ever happened to holding the door open for a woman? Are manners extinct? I always knew that nice guys were on the endangered species list, but now I feel like they are extinct.
Take yesterday for example. I'm coming back from running some errands, and I notice the (then gentleman) loser behind me picking up his dry cleaning. He has his hand(yes, single hand) full and is on his Iphone. He is heading for my door. I too have both of my hands full, but being the nice person I am, I hold the door so he doesn't have to bother to find his key card and swipe in directly behind me. SEE: BEING COURTEOUS.
As I am standing outside the door, you would think that he would thank me, and get the door pressing on my shoulder and relive me of holding it. NO. HE WALKS RIGHT THROUGH. AND......HE SAYS ON HIS PHONE "PEOPLE ARE SO NICE TO ME IN THE BUILDING, IT'S LIKE THEY THINK I'M A ROCKSTAR."
No A$$hole, I don't think you're a rock star. You're just a bald-late-thirty-something that shaves his head for his obvious said balding reasons. You're black muscle tee makes you look more like a bouncer than rockstar, and as I held the door, I don't recall asking for your autograph? Point taken, he walks right on through, not even bothering to help me? OR GOD FORBID, LET A WOMAN GO FIRST. NO MA'AM. That would be squashing my ability to express my femininity, as my ex would say, as he told the night he handed me my own bill to pay for my $6.00 pizza on a dinner date he asked me out on.
I don't seem to recall a woman ever taking a stance and protesting that women don't want chivalry anymore. Why would we want a ghastly idea like that? I know that Rosie the Riveter coined the phrase "WE CAN DO IT" but I don't recall her plastering herself on posters saying that applied to dating too? Yes, oh yes, Women have fought to be treated as equals in the workplace, getting paid the same salary as a man, when we all know that a women at the end of the day can do a better job, and will be able to multi-task while doing that job too. Point is, no one ever took a stand saying, "If my boyfriend pays for my $6.00 pizza, I will feel less than equal". No, sorry, it actually proves that you have some respect for me, because any self-respecting gentleman wouldn't even think of letting a woman that he's dating, let alone his girlfriend even see the figures on the bill. Then again he would be a gentleman, and not a loser. One thing I've come to understand is this. Women do pull the "let's split the bill" line, not because we feel it's our given right to exercise our femininity. We use it because we don't want to feel like we're indebted to a loser like you who we know is no good, all because said loser, now expects something from us because he picked up a 20 dollar tab. Every woman that I know would be more than delighted to never lay eyes on a bill again. We only do so, because we realize that pickings are indeed slim, Nice guys are extinct, and by paying ensures that we can go home and never have to answer a text message from such a loser ever again. It's a known rule, that a nice guy would never put a woman in a position where she felt that she had to do something because she "owed" a man. Only losers do that.
Rosie was only trying to prove one point: We can do it. We can do the same work men do, we can be just a strong as men. We can hold their jobs, we can make more money then they do, and we can lead, happy, strong, successful lives without them. She also proves, that I too, can pick up my 6 dollar pizza bill, and I can hope and wish that maybe-- someday, I'll find a nice guy. After all...Isn't that what zoo's are for?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
You Need a New Pair of COMFORTABLE Shoes
Some things are certain in life. You will Live. You will Die. You will pay Taxes, and High heels, no matter how expensive they are will hurt! While this is an easy mantra to understand, walk with me into the metaphor.
Men are like shoes. Yes, that's right. You have your sturdy trainers, your worn-in flip flops, old sneeks with holes, and fancy heels that give you the worst blisters. Well after opening my closet door, I've noticed that I have an abundance of high heels. I have heels that make you looked like hell on wheels, heels that will make you eat your heart out, heels that make you scream and shout in pain after after step you take in them. So what does this mean?
It's obvious that the men that I've been dealing with have been more on the high heel side of things. Instead of having blisters on my feet, I'm having pain in my heart. The thing is, CBE and Jacob, while like heels, make you happy and make you feel fabulous when you put them on, by the end of the night you're just dying to get out of them and wondering what the hell ever possessed you to put these wretched things on your feet in the first place. And like heels, you know that they are going to give you blisters and leave you in pain the next day. So why do I do it? For a multitude of reasons I suppose? I feel great in them for the first hour or so, and by the end I'm sick of them, and that's how I feel about CBE and Jacob. I'm sick of them and their B.S.! I'm sick of feeling great when we hangout in the evening and the next day I wake up feeling blistered and hurt by them! It's obvious that I need to get a new pair of shoes!
After an emergency phone call to my go to girl SP, I asked her if I had legit reasons to be mad at these two boys. First, being that after talking to CBE yesterday, we had a fight because once again, I was left feeling hurt. After 45 minutes of getting no where on the phone with him and his failure to understand that, he tells me he's just going to get off the phone, and leaves me crying. I'm sorry what kind of man are you? Leaving a girl you care about crying? I called today to apologize and wish him well, and he still didn't get back to me. And the next situation is with Jacob, and while I understand he is busy with his life and all, I want to thank him for taking the time to update his status that he was a the baseball game, having a great time and eating chili, while I'm stuck at home sick. I know you got my texts today...you could have at least texted me back and asked how I was feeling, or is that too much to ask from the man who's signature line is, " I'm the type of guy who wants distance in a relationship". After making sure I had legit reasons to be mad, SP gave me the cold harsh truth that I've needed. She said, " Dude, you've been unhappy for 2 years. That's a pretty long time for someone to be unhappy. You need to go out and find someone that really honestly cares enough to want to be with you." Then the tag line came, "You need to find a new pair of comfortable shoes." she said. After we hung up, I proceeded to places signs all around my house, instructing me not to under any circumstance, call either of these men. While I hope my new found sharpie campaign holds up,one thing is for sure, that after my conversation with SP I went online and looked for a new pair of shoes. And what I found was amazing. I've decided that I'm not settling for old, used, hole-y shoes, and it's time to put away the high pumps too. I found a miraculous pair of sexy, wedged, knee high boots. So, while it is true that maybe shoes are a lot easier to find than men, at least now I have a hot pair of comfortable shoes that won't leave my in pain the next day. Who knows maybe I'll find a guy to match!
Men are like shoes. Yes, that's right. You have your sturdy trainers, your worn-in flip flops, old sneeks with holes, and fancy heels that give you the worst blisters. Well after opening my closet door, I've noticed that I have an abundance of high heels. I have heels that make you looked like hell on wheels, heels that will make you eat your heart out, heels that make you scream and shout in pain after after step you take in them. So what does this mean?
It's obvious that the men that I've been dealing with have been more on the high heel side of things. Instead of having blisters on my feet, I'm having pain in my heart. The thing is, CBE and Jacob, while like heels, make you happy and make you feel fabulous when you put them on, by the end of the night you're just dying to get out of them and wondering what the hell ever possessed you to put these wretched things on your feet in the first place. And like heels, you know that they are going to give you blisters and leave you in pain the next day. So why do I do it? For a multitude of reasons I suppose? I feel great in them for the first hour or so, and by the end I'm sick of them, and that's how I feel about CBE and Jacob. I'm sick of them and their B.S.! I'm sick of feeling great when we hangout in the evening and the next day I wake up feeling blistered and hurt by them! It's obvious that I need to get a new pair of shoes!
After an emergency phone call to my go to girl SP, I asked her if I had legit reasons to be mad at these two boys. First, being that after talking to CBE yesterday, we had a fight because once again, I was left feeling hurt. After 45 minutes of getting no where on the phone with him and his failure to understand that, he tells me he's just going to get off the phone, and leaves me crying. I'm sorry what kind of man are you? Leaving a girl you care about crying? I called today to apologize and wish him well, and he still didn't get back to me. And the next situation is with Jacob, and while I understand he is busy with his life and all, I want to thank him for taking the time to update his status that he was a the baseball game, having a great time and eating chili, while I'm stuck at home sick. I know you got my texts today...you could have at least texted me back and asked how I was feeling, or is that too much to ask from the man who's signature line is, " I'm the type of guy who wants distance in a relationship". After making sure I had legit reasons to be mad, SP gave me the cold harsh truth that I've needed. She said, " Dude, you've been unhappy for 2 years. That's a pretty long time for someone to be unhappy. You need to go out and find someone that really honestly cares enough to want to be with you." Then the tag line came, "You need to find a new pair of comfortable shoes." she said. After we hung up, I proceeded to places signs all around my house, instructing me not to under any circumstance, call either of these men. While I hope my new found sharpie campaign holds up,one thing is for sure, that after my conversation with SP I went online and looked for a new pair of shoes. And what I found was amazing. I've decided that I'm not settling for old, used, hole-y shoes, and it's time to put away the high pumps too. I found a miraculous pair of sexy, wedged, knee high boots. So, while it is true that maybe shoes are a lot easier to find than men, at least now I have a hot pair of comfortable shoes that won't leave my in pain the next day. Who knows maybe I'll find a guy to match!
Monday, August 16, 2010
It's all a matter of perspective
Everyday, all day, I cry. Cry in the morning. Cry in the afternoon. Cry in the evening. Cry in the shower, cry in the elevator, cry while I'm sitting here typing, and it's non-stop and has been going on for sometime now.
My life feels like one giant puddle. I'm still perplexed that my body can even produce tears at this point. The problem is I'm crying over an amalgamation of issues. Yes, I'm aware that everyone has issues, and I'm not an overly sensitive person either. What gives? I'm two tears away from closing up completely, and the stupid thing is this is over something I really wanted. L.O.V.E.
Michelangelo once said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. While I wish could just throw my love life and all my feelings down the largest hill, I'm starting to feel like I'm being tossed down that hill. I suppose life is like this sometimes, and I just happen to be tossed down Mount Everest. Theoretically, when I reach the bottom of this hill, only the important things should be left. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ride this hill all the down to the bottom, and hopefully by then my vision will be clear, and the only important things left will be standing there with me. For now, I'm just going to hold on tight to what I know, and keep the hope that still stirs inside me. It's all a matter of perspective.
My life feels like one giant puddle. I'm still perplexed that my body can even produce tears at this point. The problem is I'm crying over an amalgamation of issues. Yes, I'm aware that everyone has issues, and I'm not an overly sensitive person either. What gives? I'm two tears away from closing up completely, and the stupid thing is this is over something I really wanted. L.O.V.E.
Michelangelo once said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. While I wish could just throw my love life and all my feelings down the largest hill, I'm starting to feel like I'm being tossed down that hill. I suppose life is like this sometimes, and I just happen to be tossed down Mount Everest. Theoretically, when I reach the bottom of this hill, only the important things should be left. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to ride this hill all the down to the bottom, and hopefully by then my vision will be clear, and the only important things left will be standing there with me. For now, I'm just going to hold on tight to what I know, and keep the hope that still stirs inside me. It's all a matter of perspective.
L'amor Che Move il Sole e L'altre Stelle
It seems as though I become more lonely these days not having CBE or Jacob around, so I'm thinking that maybe I should be lonely. Maybe this is something that I have to feel, and learn to maneuver around. I need to live with it, sit with it, map it and make it a part of my life. Welcome to the human experience, I think to myself.
But I have realized that I have disappeared into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. I love you, and you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my dog, my dog's money, my fish, my fish's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will even bake you delicious chocolate cake for "just because" reasons. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more.
I always wondered why I did all of this, and after exhausting my brain, I just realized that I did it because I cared. I care about the people in my life. I cared about CBE, and I still do. What breaks my heart right now is that CBE can't even lend me a text message with just saying, "Hey!". Or even a quick phone call. I suppose right now, I just want to be cared about, I just want someone to care about me. It's quite obvious that I never have expected someone to bake me chocolate cake, or buy Christmas presents for my family. I just want someone to realize that maybe I could use a little love, and just come over and scoop me up in their arms and just want to cuddle. Or how about $12.99 flowers, because you knew they would put a smile on my face. Or just even calling me for a change to see how I was doing? I don't think that's asking for much. Or maybe right now just a little love and forgiveness that I'm only human too. That like you, I've made mistakes and aren't perfect. It's all I really want.
I know that my love can move the sun and all the stars, and I'm not asking for that in return. I just feel that right now, I deserve just a little something. Maybe not much, but maybe just the thought of knowing that you cared. And I feel that maybe I too need to pull back and just care about myself right now, until someone comes along that wants too.
But I have realized that I have disappeared into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. I love you, and you can have everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my money, my dog, my dog's money, my fish, my fish's time--everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts, I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will even bake you delicious chocolate cake for "just because" reasons. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more.
I always wondered why I did all of this, and after exhausting my brain, I just realized that I did it because I cared. I care about the people in my life. I cared about CBE, and I still do. What breaks my heart right now is that CBE can't even lend me a text message with just saying, "Hey!". Or even a quick phone call. I suppose right now, I just want to be cared about, I just want someone to care about me. It's quite obvious that I never have expected someone to bake me chocolate cake, or buy Christmas presents for my family. I just want someone to realize that maybe I could use a little love, and just come over and scoop me up in their arms and just want to cuddle. Or how about $12.99 flowers, because you knew they would put a smile on my face. Or just even calling me for a change to see how I was doing? I don't think that's asking for much. Or maybe right now just a little love and forgiveness that I'm only human too. That like you, I've made mistakes and aren't perfect. It's all I really want.
I know that my love can move the sun and all the stars, and I'm not asking for that in return. I just feel that right now, I deserve just a little something. Maybe not much, but maybe just the thought of knowing that you cared. And I feel that maybe I too need to pull back and just care about myself right now, until someone comes along that wants too.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
QPQ: More than a Carnival Game
After having a conversation with one of my male friends today, got me thinking about why women always get themselves into situations they hate. But fear not! I have an answer and a solution, well the answer is actually the solution(I know this sounds crazy but bare with me here). Ladies, and well no gentlemen listen up! The magic mysterious answer to solving all your problems, (well most of them) is:
QUID PRO QUO
Translation: This for That, Something for Something, or just a fair return or consideration as I like to think of it. Now before I get into how you can start using QPQ to answer all your problems let me first take you back to my conversation this afternoon.
As I was killing time before my interview, I hopped online to see if I could entertain myself for a few minutes. After looking online and finding no scandalous news about celebs, I turned to ye-old-instant messenger. Hey! is how I started this lovely conversation. We'll call my friend "Mike". Well Mike answered back and after the exchange of "how are you's" we got into talking. He was telling me about how he was moving this weekend and was excited to pick up his keys. I congratulated him on his new move and he asked what my weekend plans were. Of course I asked him in return and he said he had a few dates planned for later in the week. Dates? I inquired. What kind of dates? Seeing as how Mike is a very nice guy,and always chases after the grime of the earth, I had always hoped that he would find a nice girl. So I inquired as to where he found these women. A BAR... What a surprise.. The proverbial male watering-hole have you, and you surely don't need me to tell you, but I will anyway, THAT NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF A BAR. I don't care if your best-friend's sister's cousin found Mr. Right at the local hole in the wall slugging down PBR's and somehow between the drunkenness he manage to revive enough in himself to get her number and they lived happily ever after-NO NOT THE END. Look at the evidence for yourself. Your Best friend's sister's cousin? This person probably doesn't even exist, and if she married the guy in the bar, ask her how happy she is in three years when the only bar he attends on a regular basis are AA meetings.
Anyway back to Mike's situation. Mike informed me that he has a few dates lined up! Great! Now I wanted to inquire where he was going to take them. His answer: A Bar.
Really? A bar? Now stop and think to yourself for a minute. You met in a bar and now he's going to take you back to a bar? Clearly he's either a mega alky, the bartender is his best friend and he can score free drinks all night long, (which makes him cheap), or in the case you prove to be as interesting as a subscription to Home and Garden magazine, then he can always find your replacement standing behind you. Can't spot her? Shes the one in the black shirt also looking for Mr. Right. So, you might be wondering, we're going out for drinks together, there's nothing wrong with that? WRONG, he's actually not taking you out, because if he was interested in taking you out, then he'd want to take you somewhere other than a bar, and actually get to know you, and not have to shout in your ear to ask "Wanna another one?"
Mike and I continued to talk, and he said that he would take her to local music concert the next date, since all the ladies love local bands. Hmm, wrong decision again... If you just met someone you hardly know their name, let alone what kind of music they like. I don't care if you both loved the Lustra cover band that was playing the night you met each other--the point is, you probably didn't discuss your taste in music. And gee, isn't every girl out there dying to go see some band that she doesn't know, like, or even enjoy and has to stand there like a zombie for 2 1/2 hours and pretend that she can make out the words to the Metallica Rob Zombie wannabe. If you ask me I'd rather go to dinner, still have my hearing, and no nightmares instead.
Which brings me to my point. When I asked why Mike just didn't want to take a girl to dinner? This is what he had to say:
Mike:"Dinner is a more than a few dates down the line."
Me: "Like a wine on special reserve?"
Mike: "It's like this. Why would I waste $50.00 bucks on a girl, who I barely even know or like?"
Me: "Well I'm assuming you like her enough to want to go out on an actual date and see her again? Let alone you already put her through a weekend of laryngitis, so she may have earned at least a burger and fries."
After which, the gears in my mind began turning. Is it that, as women, we don't expect a guy to do something for us? You know "just a fair return or consideration?" That after she had spent all night shouting at you, watching you guzzle down PBR after PBR, listening to you tell the same lame story you told to everyone and your mother, and pretending to dig the Lustra cover band, you mean to tell me Mike, that your datee doesn't deserve at least a cheeseburger and some fries? Or are you worried they'll charge you for the ketchup packets too? Now I can think of a bunch of great restaurants to take a girl to for a first date that will have your bill below $30.00, but it's the fact that I know plenty of women who don't think they deserve a consideration, or a QUID PRO QUO.
I know women don't like to talk about it, let alone ask to go on a decent date, but to every inherent relationship there's a quid pro quo-something that's exchanged for something else. Most of the time the QPQ can be obvious, especially in the male world, like when a guy buys a round of drinks, his buddy gets the next one, and it's basically an unspoken system that goes on. Here's the dilemma, women aren't very good at capitalizing on the QPQ. Instead, we give away favors,(such as our number, our time, etc.) and expect little or nothing in return.
So, being able to identify QPQ is an important aspect in building a relationship, and you need to master it. There is obviously something you have that men want, and there is also something you want from them. Every time you give people something they need, a proverbial token is disposed in your account. The trick to this is to always have more tokens in your accounting than you need. The only way you can do this is by interacting with others with generosity of spirit.
The truth is this isn't as manipulative or mercenary as it sounds. We do it all day long without realizing it. For example, I cover for a coworker at a meeting or finish up her work for her, since she has to leave early for doctors appointment. Or your best friend Lisa needs to borrow your fancy blue shirt for a night out on the town with her new guy. Collect a token. If in a few weeks or so, you need some research that your coworker has been working on, or decide that you need the most fabulous pair of sassy strappy black heels that Lisa owns, go ahead and cash that token in girlfriend! Basically, QPQ is verbalized like this: "Remember when I loaned you my dress last month? Well, I have a favor to ask.."
When you go out of your way for a guy, be sure to let him know. A subtle way to do this is to say something like, " It's really great watching you play xbox note the exaggeration), but I was planning on meeting some of my girlfriends out later, why don't I call them and let them know I'll be running late". TOKEN COLLECTED.
And don't make things look too easy. So when the next time he calls and wants to see you, and he suggests his local hole in the wall again, say "I'm happy to hear from you,and I want to see you too, but I'm coming from a client meeting on the other side of town, maybe we could meet halfway at Point XYZ?" He'll get the point that you're dressed too nicely to slum around his joint, and he'll be excited to be your escort. Bonus points if you get him to take you to a lounge you suggest.
Don't underestimate the value of things like supporting him through a hard day, public praise, or even lending a listening ear. This is all very valuable in turns of token collecting, and definitely a commodity.
So, ladies cash in you tokens sparingly, but don't be afraid to use them. If you're getting what you want, save them for a rainy day. Always keep in mind that tokens aren't always a one-to-one, it isn't always immediately following the point of collection, and it doesn't have to be made obvious. But if you spent a wonderful Saturday night at his favorite hole in the wall again watching him practice for the annual PBR-a-thon, then chances are it's time for some QPQ.
This lesson is so important, that I leave you with one last story why. When CBE threw in my face my laundry list of expectations I had, he had hit the nail on the head. Yes, I had expectations, and even though CBE wanted me to lower them or not have them wasn't what it was about(and I so foolishly thought I could pretend not to have to not have them.) It wasn't that I expected him to just take me out to dinner all the time, or that it was all I asked for, in fact, it wasn't about the expectations at all. It wasn't about if the bar was set to high or too low, but moreover, that he was getting lazy and tired of having to try. At the end of the day, was it really about me having expectations or was it that CBE didn't want to give me a fair return or consideration anymore?
QUID PRO QUO
Translation: This for That, Something for Something, or just a fair return or consideration as I like to think of it. Now before I get into how you can start using QPQ to answer all your problems let me first take you back to my conversation this afternoon.
As I was killing time before my interview, I hopped online to see if I could entertain myself for a few minutes. After looking online and finding no scandalous news about celebs, I turned to ye-old-instant messenger. Hey! is how I started this lovely conversation. We'll call my friend "Mike". Well Mike answered back and after the exchange of "how are you's" we got into talking. He was telling me about how he was moving this weekend and was excited to pick up his keys. I congratulated him on his new move and he asked what my weekend plans were. Of course I asked him in return and he said he had a few dates planned for later in the week. Dates? I inquired. What kind of dates? Seeing as how Mike is a very nice guy,and always chases after the grime of the earth, I had always hoped that he would find a nice girl. So I inquired as to where he found these women. A BAR... What a surprise.. The proverbial male watering-hole have you, and you surely don't need me to tell you, but I will anyway, THAT NOTHING GOOD COMES OUT OF A BAR. I don't care if your best-friend's sister's cousin found Mr. Right at the local hole in the wall slugging down PBR's and somehow between the drunkenness he manage to revive enough in himself to get her number and they lived happily ever after-NO NOT THE END. Look at the evidence for yourself. Your Best friend's sister's cousin? This person probably doesn't even exist, and if she married the guy in the bar, ask her how happy she is in three years when the only bar he attends on a regular basis are AA meetings.
Anyway back to Mike's situation. Mike informed me that he has a few dates lined up! Great! Now I wanted to inquire where he was going to take them. His answer: A Bar.
Really? A bar? Now stop and think to yourself for a minute. You met in a bar and now he's going to take you back to a bar? Clearly he's either a mega alky, the bartender is his best friend and he can score free drinks all night long, (which makes him cheap), or in the case you prove to be as interesting as a subscription to Home and Garden magazine, then he can always find your replacement standing behind you. Can't spot her? Shes the one in the black shirt also looking for Mr. Right. So, you might be wondering, we're going out for drinks together, there's nothing wrong with that? WRONG, he's actually not taking you out, because if he was interested in taking you out, then he'd want to take you somewhere other than a bar, and actually get to know you, and not have to shout in your ear to ask "Wanna another one?"
Mike and I continued to talk, and he said that he would take her to local music concert the next date, since all the ladies love local bands. Hmm, wrong decision again... If you just met someone you hardly know their name, let alone what kind of music they like. I don't care if you both loved the Lustra cover band that was playing the night you met each other--the point is, you probably didn't discuss your taste in music. And gee, isn't every girl out there dying to go see some band that she doesn't know, like, or even enjoy and has to stand there like a zombie for 2 1/2 hours and pretend that she can make out the words to the Metallica Rob Zombie wannabe. If you ask me I'd rather go to dinner, still have my hearing, and no nightmares instead.
Which brings me to my point. When I asked why Mike just didn't want to take a girl to dinner? This is what he had to say:
Mike:"Dinner is a more than a few dates down the line."
Me: "Like a wine on special reserve?"
Mike: "It's like this. Why would I waste $50.00 bucks on a girl, who I barely even know or like?"
Me: "Well I'm assuming you like her enough to want to go out on an actual date and see her again? Let alone you already put her through a weekend of laryngitis, so she may have earned at least a burger and fries."
After which, the gears in my mind began turning. Is it that, as women, we don't expect a guy to do something for us? You know "just a fair return or consideration?" That after she had spent all night shouting at you, watching you guzzle down PBR after PBR, listening to you tell the same lame story you told to everyone and your mother, and pretending to dig the Lustra cover band, you mean to tell me Mike, that your datee doesn't deserve at least a cheeseburger and some fries? Or are you worried they'll charge you for the ketchup packets too? Now I can think of a bunch of great restaurants to take a girl to for a first date that will have your bill below $30.00, but it's the fact that I know plenty of women who don't think they deserve a consideration, or a QUID PRO QUO.
I know women don't like to talk about it, let alone ask to go on a decent date, but to every inherent relationship there's a quid pro quo-something that's exchanged for something else. Most of the time the QPQ can be obvious, especially in the male world, like when a guy buys a round of drinks, his buddy gets the next one, and it's basically an unspoken system that goes on. Here's the dilemma, women aren't very good at capitalizing on the QPQ. Instead, we give away favors,(such as our number, our time, etc.) and expect little or nothing in return.
So, being able to identify QPQ is an important aspect in building a relationship, and you need to master it. There is obviously something you have that men want, and there is also something you want from them. Every time you give people something they need, a proverbial token is disposed in your account. The trick to this is to always have more tokens in your accounting than you need. The only way you can do this is by interacting with others with generosity of spirit.
The truth is this isn't as manipulative or mercenary as it sounds. We do it all day long without realizing it. For example, I cover for a coworker at a meeting or finish up her work for her, since she has to leave early for doctors appointment. Or your best friend Lisa needs to borrow your fancy blue shirt for a night out on the town with her new guy. Collect a token. If in a few weeks or so, you need some research that your coworker has been working on, or decide that you need the most fabulous pair of sassy strappy black heels that Lisa owns, go ahead and cash that token in girlfriend! Basically, QPQ is verbalized like this: "Remember when I loaned you my dress last month? Well, I have a favor to ask.."
When you go out of your way for a guy, be sure to let him know. A subtle way to do this is to say something like, " It's really great watching you play xbox note the exaggeration), but I was planning on meeting some of my girlfriends out later, why don't I call them and let them know I'll be running late". TOKEN COLLECTED.
And don't make things look too easy. So when the next time he calls and wants to see you, and he suggests his local hole in the wall again, say "I'm happy to hear from you,and I want to see you too, but I'm coming from a client meeting on the other side of town, maybe we could meet halfway at Point XYZ?" He'll get the point that you're dressed too nicely to slum around his joint, and he'll be excited to be your escort. Bonus points if you get him to take you to a lounge you suggest.
Don't underestimate the value of things like supporting him through a hard day, public praise, or even lending a listening ear. This is all very valuable in turns of token collecting, and definitely a commodity.
So, ladies cash in you tokens sparingly, but don't be afraid to use them. If you're getting what you want, save them for a rainy day. Always keep in mind that tokens aren't always a one-to-one, it isn't always immediately following the point of collection, and it doesn't have to be made obvious. But if you spent a wonderful Saturday night at his favorite hole in the wall again watching him practice for the annual PBR-a-thon, then chances are it's time for some QPQ.
This lesson is so important, that I leave you with one last story why. When CBE threw in my face my laundry list of expectations I had, he had hit the nail on the head. Yes, I had expectations, and even though CBE wanted me to lower them or not have them wasn't what it was about(and I so foolishly thought I could pretend not to have to not have them.) It wasn't that I expected him to just take me out to dinner all the time, or that it was all I asked for, in fact, it wasn't about the expectations at all. It wasn't about if the bar was set to high or too low, but moreover, that he was getting lazy and tired of having to try. At the end of the day, was it really about me having expectations or was it that CBE didn't want to give me a fair return or consideration anymore?
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
$50,000 Less of (one in) a Million
In continuation of the tale, comes what I feel is the most crucial part of the story.
Meet Jacob.
Months had passed and I still continued to try to figure where my relationship stood. That was until that day in October. There was Jacob. He was tall and completely the opposite of my china blue eyed bow. He was slender, and had a commanding sense. He came into the room and sat a few chairs down from me. Wearing an outfit that would not be revered by blue eyes seem somewhat refreshing to me. Though he didn't talk to me. I tried to talk to Jacob, but he was obviously highly sought after and couldn't find a moment to chat. That was until the next meeting. China eyes and I were still fighting and nothing was getting better.
After the following meeting Jacob started talking to me outside of the room. One of his friends came up, and as I began to walk away thinking that this guy was one giant network-a-holic, and knew everyone and their mother, He asked me to wait. We walked for about 500 feet and him and I ping ponged conversation, until he said he was hungry and wanted to get dinner before his class, and asked if I wanted to come.
I agreed, and we headed towards the grille and got seats at the bar and started talking. Turns out we both were interested in many of the same things, things that china blue eyes didn't really care about. Well time flew and I remembered he had class. He decided to skip class just to hang out with me, and we walked back to campus to return his library book later, after him catching me before I fell completely in the puddle.
Out of all the complications and traumas of the ugly months leading up to Jacob and I meeting were only going to be tripled by the drama of Jacob-the guy who I managed to fall in love with as I was on my way out of a previous relationship. Did I say fall in love? What I meant to say was I fell out of one relationship and into Jacobs arms(literally),which would eventually bring China Blue Eyes back to me, which would be the reason CBE would resent me and leave me. I guess one could say that I felt like a circus performer-- the diver that dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, in which everything vanishes completely. I clung to Jacob for an escape from CBE, as if Jacob was the last life boat to leave the Titanic. I inflicted upon him every hope for my salvation and happiness. And I did manage to fall in love with Jacob. The only word I could think of to describe my love for Jacob was "desperate". I was desperate for love, to be loved, and that's was I was lacking.
Jacob and I began to spend a lot of time together--days, weekends, and months. Jacob made me laugh, showed me new things, and showed me an overall good time. Though I still could not stop thinking about CBE. CBE and I would talk on the phone occasionally and he would usually say something negative to me, and end up making me cry, and thus, scoring me a tear fest from 11pm till 4:30am. Though in desperate love, it's always like this-We always invent the character of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place. And this is exactly what I did to Jacob. I pushed and pushed for our relationship, always asking what he thought of us and if he saw a future of us being together, because it was after all what I had wanted and waited for from CBE.
But Jacob and I had a great time in those early months, and he seemed genuinely interested me. He was my romantic hero, and I was still living his dream. It was excitement and compatibility like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language to describe things, we went on walks, stayed up to watch sock puppets, the galaxy collide (even though nothing happened), we ate ice cream and just talked. We talked a lot. We set goals, made promises and dinner together. We gave each other the same nicknames. Jacob had held my heart together when it was torn from CBE. He was there when CBE wasn't and while I was happy with Jacob, my only wish was that it would be CBE here with me, making these memories with me, not Jacob.
Those first months of falling in love with Jacob, also meant that he got caught in the cross fire of fighting. I would fight with Jacob about things I wanted from CBE, except he did not even know CBE existed. Only until months later, ultimatums made, CBE called me and asked me to come over to his place, because had he something to tell me. I asked what it was about, and if we could discuss it over the phone, and he said no.
CBE had found out that Jacob and I were headed on the relationship track and I don't know whether it was a combination of me falling in love with some other man, or that CBE finally woke up and realized how much I meant to him, either way as I sat in his apartment, he grabbed my hands and looked at me with those china blue eyes, and asked me the $50,000 question I wanted for so long. "I want you as my girlfriend, Will you be my girlfriend?".
Meet Jacob.
Months had passed and I still continued to try to figure where my relationship stood. That was until that day in October. There was Jacob. He was tall and completely the opposite of my china blue eyed bow. He was slender, and had a commanding sense. He came into the room and sat a few chairs down from me. Wearing an outfit that would not be revered by blue eyes seem somewhat refreshing to me. Though he didn't talk to me. I tried to talk to Jacob, but he was obviously highly sought after and couldn't find a moment to chat. That was until the next meeting. China eyes and I were still fighting and nothing was getting better.
After the following meeting Jacob started talking to me outside of the room. One of his friends came up, and as I began to walk away thinking that this guy was one giant network-a-holic, and knew everyone and their mother, He asked me to wait. We walked for about 500 feet and him and I ping ponged conversation, until he said he was hungry and wanted to get dinner before his class, and asked if I wanted to come.
I agreed, and we headed towards the grille and got seats at the bar and started talking. Turns out we both were interested in many of the same things, things that china blue eyes didn't really care about. Well time flew and I remembered he had class. He decided to skip class just to hang out with me, and we walked back to campus to return his library book later, after him catching me before I fell completely in the puddle.
Out of all the complications and traumas of the ugly months leading up to Jacob and I meeting were only going to be tripled by the drama of Jacob-the guy who I managed to fall in love with as I was on my way out of a previous relationship. Did I say fall in love? What I meant to say was I fell out of one relationship and into Jacobs arms(literally),which would eventually bring China Blue Eyes back to me, which would be the reason CBE would resent me and leave me. I guess one could say that I felt like a circus performer-- the diver that dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, in which everything vanishes completely. I clung to Jacob for an escape from CBE, as if Jacob was the last life boat to leave the Titanic. I inflicted upon him every hope for my salvation and happiness. And I did manage to fall in love with Jacob. The only word I could think of to describe my love for Jacob was "desperate". I was desperate for love, to be loved, and that's was I was lacking.
Jacob and I began to spend a lot of time together--days, weekends, and months. Jacob made me laugh, showed me new things, and showed me an overall good time. Though I still could not stop thinking about CBE. CBE and I would talk on the phone occasionally and he would usually say something negative to me, and end up making me cry, and thus, scoring me a tear fest from 11pm till 4:30am. Though in desperate love, it's always like this-We always invent the character of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place. And this is exactly what I did to Jacob. I pushed and pushed for our relationship, always asking what he thought of us and if he saw a future of us being together, because it was after all what I had wanted and waited for from CBE.
But Jacob and I had a great time in those early months, and he seemed genuinely interested me. He was my romantic hero, and I was still living his dream. It was excitement and compatibility like I'd never imagined. We invented our own language to describe things, we went on walks, stayed up to watch sock puppets, the galaxy collide (even though nothing happened), we ate ice cream and just talked. We talked a lot. We set goals, made promises and dinner together. We gave each other the same nicknames. Jacob had held my heart together when it was torn from CBE. He was there when CBE wasn't and while I was happy with Jacob, my only wish was that it would be CBE here with me, making these memories with me, not Jacob.
Those first months of falling in love with Jacob, also meant that he got caught in the cross fire of fighting. I would fight with Jacob about things I wanted from CBE, except he did not even know CBE existed. Only until months later, ultimatums made, CBE called me and asked me to come over to his place, because had he something to tell me. I asked what it was about, and if we could discuss it over the phone, and he said no.
CBE had found out that Jacob and I were headed on the relationship track and I don't know whether it was a combination of me falling in love with some other man, or that CBE finally woke up and realized how much I meant to him, either way as I sat in his apartment, he grabbed my hands and looked at me with those china blue eyes, and asked me the $50,000 question I wanted for so long. "I want you as my girlfriend, Will you be my girlfriend?".
Not Everyone Reads the Rules of the Road Manual Before a Road Test
So here are some guidelines I've come across, and not by scorned women.. but everyday advice that we should all take with reason. I'll be sure to keep these all in my mind the next time around. Until then, maybe they can help you!
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending... compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...
There is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.
Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him – he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
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